20 weeks pregnant.

First of all .. this was not an accident. I actually planned this whole thing. I turned 25 and 60 months this year, and so I felt my biological clock ticking really loudly. I realized I didn’t want to have to same issues I had with my parents because of  the huge age difference. My dad is 70! He was 40 the day I was born! We have nothing in common.. well except that I look like him, talk like him, am as loud as him and I walk like him when I wear heels…. but besides all of that I am nothing like this dude. When we meet its the same three minute conversation all the time then after that it gets really awkward really fast. I am kinda jealous. He drinks with my brothers. They can spend hours on Skype. I am like thinking… what the heck are you all talking about.  Don’t get me wrong.. I LOVE my dad. I always wanna make him proud. But if I am not presenting a degree/certificate or giving him a gift.. then what else is there??? Anyway I blame this unfortunate circumstance on our age gap. And then there is my mum, who is 65. When I was born she was 35. She acts like she is 90. She is old fashioned and dresses like a granny. Then again she is a granny. My mum is the reason I do not have much love for make up. She has never been about that life, I think she is an old soul. She acts much older than anyone I have ever met. Sometimes she drives me crazy and I feel like saying… please be young for  a minute. Really my mum doesn’t even wear earrings or believe in laughing in front of  people more respectable than her. We have nothing in common… except my huge flat nose, my indifference to make up, my love of comfy clothes and eating good food…. besides all that… we have nothing in  common. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my mum. But once she freaked out coz I called her “mother”. I blame her 90 year old soul.

So I made up my mind to have a baby before I get to be as old as my parents were when they had me. But then… it was never the right time. I actually don’t think now is the right time but if I didn’t just do it I was never gonna do it. Part of me thinks, I took too long. I should have had the baby the first time I turned 25. But then at that time I didn’t have a husband yet. I am all traditional like that. I always said I would be married before I have a kid. Maybe coz my old parents drilled those old school values in me. Maybe 25 and 60 months is already too late and my kid is gonna think I have an old soul too. I am imagining my child calling me “mother”. Argggg it doesn’t sound right to me. Definitely sticking to “mama” like I call my mum.

So new years eve, I am like to my hubby… do you wanna have a baby this year? He says we can try.. but later so that the baby is born in 2017. Well that worked out for us just as he said. Little Bhelebana is coming in 2017. Gosh… and the days just have to drag. I am over being a house for a human. But at the same time I want the human to stay in me all 40 weeks. I know… I am nearly bipolar isn’t?

So I pee on the stick. Two lines…. crap, I have class in like 2 min. So I start teaching and pretending my life is all good so I can suck up to my students and get good ratings. My mind was racing crap crap crap.. I am not ready. God, I was just joking!!! I am not gonna lie. I was really not happy about it for the first hour. Then I got on the smile.amazon.com – Yes I use the smile site so I donate to charitable organisations — so I go on there and I bought a pregnancy journal and the infamous book: “What to expect when you are expecting” . I also bought a yoga set so I can do pregnancy yoga.. which reminds me.. if you want a yoga set I can give you one. I have never used it.  After I paid I felt so much better about my situation. Plus my hubby seemed excited when I finally told him.

So the only time I have enjoyed this journey is like from the time I placed my order till about 1 week later when my body finally got the memo. It has been in one very accurate word – HORRIBLE. I have not one day written in that pregnancy journal because I have been sick. People are liars. Horrid horrid liars. There is nothing beautiful about this alien causing havoc in your life. And if you are ready.. only if you are ready read the next paragraph…. if not skip it. In the next paragraph I will go through the some of the crazy stuff that goes on while you are pregnant.. that people say is all worth it when the baby comes. Noone told me about this.. I have experienced it and still do…. so if you are ready…. read next paragraph. If not .. DO NOT DO IT!

First of all.. I only bought the pee stick coz my gums got swollen. Half my face was swollen and the gums were bleeding back. I could hardly brush my teeth. So I went to the dentist. Who said when he saw me… “are you pregnant?” I was like ummm I don’t know. He says he sees this “ALL THE TIME” and thinks I should pee on the stick. Like are you kidding??????  (really “all the time”??? really???) Anyway he was right. Then I got the meds right and things were great for a week like I said above until … morning sickness. Why the heck anyone called it morning sickness is a mystery to me. I feel like starting a petition to change the name. This MS is all day. I lost weight coz I could eat nothing and everything smelt bad! EVERYTHING. I threw away perfumes, and air freshener and these spa sticks. I opened the windows and I just suffered for weeks! What is MS?? Well imagine you have a flu… and you had too much tequila last night and mixed it with vodka…. and so its like a hangover and flu combined and the constant need to throw up.. EVERY SECOND OF YOUR DAY. It was terrible to say the least.. especially week 9.. created by the devil himself. A real test of faith. I was considering a secret abortion and was going to tell me husband it was a miscarriage. I think God Himself intervened that week.. the day after my horrid thoughts I went for my first scan and I saw my Sunshine for the first time. That was the key to me making it till today. Really the scan saved my baby’s life. Well that’s not all folks… there’s more… sensitive boobs, sore back, acne, fatigue… now when I say fatigue I am not kidding!!! Fatigue for days especially in first trimester. I slept 15 hours a day.. and I could have slept more if people didn’t wake me up. Regardless of how long I slept I was still exhausted. It was really terrible. Turns out its coz I had hypothyroidism.. which causes a whole host of fun things like miscarriage, still birth, low IQ, low birth weight and just drama. Now for TMI symptoms… seriously this is TMI (too much information – please just skip it if you ain’t ready). Well if you insist on reading this here goes… first discharge.. yes vaginal discharge.. lots of it all the time every time. I thought there was a problem… apparently if it doesn’t stink and isn’t a funny color then its all good… perfectly normal. I said to my gyne… who is male by the way… yes.. a man other that my husband has touched my vagina…(eeewww) .. so I said to him.. but it makes my panty wet.. I have to wear panty liners. He said yes.. its all perfectly normal. Are you kidding me? But wait there is more!!!! Perspiration anyone? And lots of it. And damn me for getting pregnant in summer. I now perspire under my boobs ladies and gentlemen.. under my boobs!!!! My favorite outfit is now  officially my birthday suit. But wait… there’s more. My boobs – boy are they huge… not that’s not the bad part – I now have moles on my nipples… did you know that??? Did you know that anyone??? I didn’t know that… all these people walking around evidence of previous pregnancies and not one person thought to let me in on this secret that my nipples will have little moles on them… and can start leaking some little amount of fluid.. (very little) as early as 19 weeks. When I asked my doctor about this moles… which I feared were cancerous or something, his response was “It’s perfectly normal” What the actual freak. How is this ok?? In any world. I am not one to brag ladies and gentlemen. But I had beautiful boobs. My boobs were so perfect. My husband was really one satisfied individual. Now… I have moles on my nipples. My very dark black nipples. Seriously. Anyway more symptoms include HOT feet. You do not understand. I cannot sleep because I my feet have a fever. They swell.. so do my hands but mostly my feet.. swell. It’s ridiculous. Argg  I am tired of writing so I will stop here with the symptom talk but trust me… there is more. .. like thrush and stuff… maybe I will tell you another day but arrggg I am over it.

Now that I am over that part. I wanna bring you back to the first thing I said… This was not an accident. I deliberately got pregnant. Some days, like today I feel better. Maybe coz I went to church this morning. I guess. I started writing this blog post coz I just wanted someone to know this journey is so surreal. Yet everyday I am pregnant and I will be for 20 more weeks. I think about it. I don’t drink coz of it, I haven’t eaten sushi or undercooked meat or apples or KFC coz of it. I live this pregnant life everyday.  Argggghh but it is so surreal. It’s a bit too much adulting for me. But I am already invested in my son… James Chase…. name has not been approved by the father yet but anyway. That’s his name for now. Maybe if I keep saying it he will start liking the names.

Maybe I will write again. Maybe. I have lots to tell. But I am sleepy now. Time for my 1pm nap. This post is too long anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

I am a Christian

So a while ago,  the high people in our church decided to start a page that inspires people by getting us to share our experience of how we got born again. (www.wikisozo.com). This site has an unbelievebly high number of stories of how people gave their lives to Jesus Christ. It is beyond beautiful.

I am going to share my story here. But before I do, I need to tell you why I wrote it they way I did.

Deep down inside, I am a poet. I love it so much. I stopped writing after someone who I thought was important (who turned out to be not so important) told me they were going to burn a book of poems full of my emotions. (Can you handle?) . Anyway so since I stopped writting poems on a regular (almost daily for about 4 years) I have written a few over the years (maybe about 10 in total in about 10 years). I only write about God in those 10 because I learnt that He is the only one who I can go crazy pouring out my feelings for and He won’t decide to burn the file. He totally enjoys when I love him through my poems. So that is why I put my story in this format.

My salvation story…..  

What can I say, My God loves me
He sent people to me to let me see
One Sunday, long ago, I went for a crusade
There I heard about the price Jesus paid
When Pastor Chiweda did the alter call
I listened even though I wanted to stall
Something in me told me to take that stand
And that decision was more than grand
I didn’t realize at the time what I had done
That a new life in Christ I had begun
As a child of God, a priest and a king
Thank you, Pastor Karen for explaining everything
Who knew that I would ever be here?
Now I know I no longer have to live in fear
In me, my God lives, He rules and reigns
His Spirit in me and His life in my veins
More than a conqueror, created with love
From the soles of my feet, to my head above
Happy for the first time for He carried my care
My God loves me and now my story share
You too can accept Jesus and get born again
Together we can praise God forever. Amen